Posted in musings

overwhelmed

My coworker’s son is going to need a liver transplant. How does an 11 year-old deal with something that life-changing, or a parent cope with something that threatens their child’s life in such a serious and ongoing way?

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord.

 My own worry for them is bleeding out into the everyday stresses of life: my margin is slimmer, my patience worn down, my emotional capacity almost brimful. I completely melted down in front of Rondel yesterday – sobbing uncontrollably, unable to pull myself together – and it’s been a constant battle to respond to the boys with compassion instead of anger. 

No tender voice but Thine can peace afford.

I’m going to need extra wisdom and efficiency at work to handle what needs to get done, and extra grace to deal with the anxiety of training on a new robot this week without my supervisor there to buffer the social aspect. I’m going to need extra patience and love at home to continue deepening my relationship with my children instead of focusing on correcting their behavior and allowing my anger to escalate. And every night I’m exhausted to my bones and to my soul – this pregnancy isn’t helping at all! – which makes it harder to find the time for the solitary creative activities that replenish and nourish me, or for the opportunity to connect and rest with my husband without the boys.

I need Thee, oh I need Thee – every hour I need Thee.

My hope in this time – which is very hard for me although I don’t like to say so because it is obviously so much worse for other people, like my coworker and his family – is that God’s faithfulness never fails and His compassion is renewed every morning. I may fail and fall and hurt the things and people I care most about, but He forgives and gives me another chance to love and be gentle and seek to understand. Weathering this storm can make us all closer and our family stronger, if I seek God through it – and I hold onto that belief when it feels like I’m falling apart with everything around me.

Oh bless me now my Savior, I come to Thee.

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